While most legal sports betting jurisdictions restrict their brick-and-mortar wagering to actual mobile sportsbooks, there are a few stray dogs — especially when it comes to self-serve kiosks.
Down in Louisiana, up to 1,000 lottery vendors will soon play host to such machines, which portends heavy Saints wagering at a swampy bait and tackle shop in Terrebonne Parish that may or may not double as a burlesque club and triple as a church.
If you’re walking the state streets in Southeast Washington, D.C., you can place bets that align with your geographic allegiance at Alabama Convenience, Minnesota Liquors, and the Texas Convenience Store. And should you find yourself a few miles east, it may make sense to bet on the Dolphins’ moneyline (and sinker) at Tony & Joe’s Seafood Place.
In Michigan, you can get down on the Lions after taking in an anniversary screening of The Lion King at the Emagine Royal Oak cineplex, while if the Wynn Encore in Massachusetts gets its way, bettors won’t have to leave their cars to bet the under on Mac Jones’ passing yardage with flurries in the forecast.
This all brings us to the great state of Ohio, which, come Jan. 1, will play host to sports betting kiosks in such everyday locales as grocery stores, bowling alleys, golf courses, restaurants, and bars (pretty much any place with a liquor license is eligible). But why stop there? Why not take the forces of equity, convenience, and inclusion to their collaborative extreme? Why make the availability of booze a prerequisite for entry, seeing as how alcohol isn’t exactly known for helping bettors make better decisions?
To this end, here are some places where Ohioans should be able to place a sports wager, be it through a kiosk or lactation consultant:
- Doctor’s office waiting rooms. Month-old copies of gossip magazines are great and all, but are they as great as betting on Darius Garland assist props against LeBron’s Lakers?
- Kings Island. A fun prop bet would be the over/under on how long it takes the Beast to get from start to finish.
- Ohio Turnpike. E-Z passes double as Players Club cards at any and all toll zones.
- Public urinals. What are you supposed to do with that other hand? Bet with it, that’s what!
- Graeter’s and Jeni’s. Where you’ll soon be able to tease a waffle cone up to three scoops from two for a little extra juice.
- Public restroom stalls. In which every bet is on the Browns’ under.
- Marc’s. You really never know what you’ll find at this discount chain, which makes it a great place to make exotic wagers.
- Train platforms and bus stops. “Hey, I just wanted to pay my fare. How’d I wind up betting on the Crew to score over 1.5 goals?”
- Skyline Chili. See “public restroom stalls.”
- Birthing suites. Look, ma, you’ll never get a better chance to place an in-game bet while under the influence of a righteous epidural.
- Your phone. Wait, this is already legal? What do we need all these other places for?